Listening is an Act of Love

Today's post is brought to you by Lisa Weiss.

I have a friend who jokes that I could make friends with wallpaper. Building relationships has always come easily to me, and for a long time I believed that this might not be something you can teach someone. However, quite recently I had a mind shift when thinking about building relationships as they relate to coaching. Through some reflective writing I began to think that there are things that I am quite intentional about, as a coach, that unintentionally have helped in fostering relationships—happy accidents, if you will.

Here is a list of some of mindsets and behaviors I am aware of, in myself, when doing the work of a literacy coach:

1. I try to listen more than I talk.
2. When I talk, I am genuinely myself, talking to my colleagues in ways I want to be talked to in return.
3. I approach everything as though it is a problem we can solve together; there’s no need for me to think I need to have all the answers. What a relief!  
4. I’m comfortable saying “I don’t know” but I hate not knowing, so I will find out and follow up with the teacher as soon as I possibly can.
5. The first few times I work with a teacher I leave with a to-do list that is longer than that of the teacher I am coaching.
6. I honor my commitments. If I say I am going to create a rubric for you, I will. If I say I will be in your classroom at 2:15, I will. I do what I say I am going to do.
7. I make light of heavy situations, but I do not avoid the heavy issue; I address it and treat it with gentleness and kindness.
8. I am consistent—my behavior, my actions, my demeanor, my approach. My colleagues need to know what to expect from me, and because I am my genuine self, it’s easy to be consistent. I’m not playing a role; what you see is what you get.

While there is much to be said about each one of these, it is my opinion that listening is the single most important. Listening. It’s seems like such a simple, automatic act but it is no such thing! There’s nothing simple, nor automatic about it. It’s a choice to truly listen, and a choice to determine to what extent we are going to listen to someone. I choose to be an attentive listener when my colleagues are talking. Listening with purpose provides an opportunity for me to understand all the different kinds of thinking (the good, the bad, and the ugliest of the ugly) that revolves around literacy and the complexities of teaching it well. Listening allows me to gain multiple perspectives, and it broadens my understandings. It is through those understandings that I can empathize with my colleagues—especially when there are not easy answers to the problems that arise. It is because of those understandings that I can begin to work through complicated issues. It is because of those understandings that I stand on common ground with the teacher I am coaching. If teachers do not feel as though I understand their perspectives and issues, the budding relationship will wilt before I have a chance to water it. However, if I choose to listen well, I am beginning to build the foundation for a meaningful coaching relationship that will benefit everyone—students, teachers, and myself.

A few years ago, at a Fox Valley Writing Project meeting, the leadership team listened to a NPR StoryCorps recording called “Listening is an Act of Love.” I’ve never thought of listening as an act of love, but I’ve thought about that title often. Think about what you are “saying” to the person to whom you are offering your listening ear…

Without saying a word, through the focused act of consciously listening, you are communicating that:

1) You are/Your issue/Your great news is important to me.

2) I am completely devoted to you/your issue/your great news, in this moment.

3) I want to understand (you).

4) I am willing to give my time (which is valuable and rare) to you.

5) I care enough to silence myself and think about what you need.

Those statements hold a lot of power. In looking at listening through this lens, it is clear that listening is a gift we give throughout they day. I acknowledge that “normal” people do not ponder what it means to listen with your head and heart, but if they did, I wonder how conversations would change. What if every person I talk to in a day knew that when I make the time to listen, it is because they and/or their concern is important to me? What if they knew I chose to listen because I want to fully understand the problem--because I want to be able to fix the problem? While I may not be able to provide the responses they are looking for, I am choosing to listen because I care about teachers, kids, literacy, and education. I wonder if knowing that would change the tone of some of the conversations I have in a day…

Coaching is not about me; it about my colleagues, and ultimately about the students in their classrooms, so in order to keep the coaching focus where it needs to be, I needed to be a purposeful listener. I think it is Stephen Covey who calls it empathic listening—the act of silencing ourselves and attending to others. When I read that I immediately thought that I was someone who could do less talking and more listening—especially when it came to coaching. I realized that when I was the one talking most, I wasn’t coaching; I was consulting. When the teacher and I spent equal times talking, I saw that as collaboration, and the best case scenario was what I needed to strive toward…coaching. Coaching--where I was facilitating the thinking of my colleagues through purposeful talk and questions.

As I became aware of my talk time, and made the decision to listen and listen well, I saw the changes in my coaching conversations. It was fascinating! I started to record whether I consulted, collaborated, or coached on my monthly coaching logs, and I had that evidence as a way to gauge my goal of coaching more. It was scary, but it was a smart coaching move.

As a coach, listening was an act of love that arose out of necessity. Students needed me to be listening to teachers. Teachers needed me to be listening to most effectively help them. Selfishly, I need to be listening myself in order to foster the kinds of relationships I value, as well as to effectively navigate my way thorough all the messy learning we find ourselves engaged in on a day to day basis.

Listening is a great way to open the door to a coaching relationship, and it vital for that relationship to grow.