Coaching with Kindness when the Truth Stings and the Teacher Feels Stung

Lisa Weiss contributed today's thinking. Click here to access more of Lisa's thinking about coaching with kindness.

I suppose it is both fortunate and unfortunate that I have had some experiences where the coaches I needed to support were not in a place to accept feedback. In my last two posts, I wrote about providing feedback with honesty and kindness, and I focused on how that looked when someone asked for the feedback, and there was nothing but good to say, but last month I shared how one can give feedback when the truth, even covered in kindness, might sting. While thinking about that post, I knew I had another entry to write. I had to write about one last set of experiences I’ve had when working to coach coaches: coaching when the teacher is defensive about the feedback.

There are three specific situations I am thinking about where it was really difficult for me to enter into the necessary conversations that had to take place. I knew what questions I was going to ask, I knew what items had to be addressed, and I knew I’d have rather gained 20 pounds than to have any of those conversations! However, the students needed me to be a big girl, and ask what I needed to ask so we could name the issues, and start planning together. This, by the way, is the scary stuff I mentioned last month--when I watched my colleagues hold these brave conversations, my stomach hurt, and yet my mentors seemed cool, smoothly moving the conversation forward. I had no idea how they could be so bold when they honestly named issues or concerns, because as I visualized myself emulating their conversational moves, the deep desire to curl into a ball and disappear overcame me. My colleagues, however, appeared calm, detached from emotion, and focused.

Being naturally curious, and intrigued by how calmly my mentor facilitated ugly conversations, one day I finally asked my burning questions: How are you able to do that? Do you feel calm because you appear to be so, but when ugly things are said to you, or things you completely disagree with, how do you stay so controlled? Are you ever worried about ruining the relationship with the teacher?

What I learned from that colleague, was that it was my role to provide the honest feedback, and it was the role of the teacher to accept the feedback and responsibility for what needed to be done as a result of the conversation. She claimed that that simple truth is what positioned her to remain calm, even when teachers were not. I believed that to be her truth, but had absolutely no confidence that that knowledge had any way of making a difficult conversation easier...until I had to have one.

The occasion for a critical conversation arose a few years after learning about how my mentor approached them. It was a conversation where I had to say things I knew were honest, but not going to be responded to favorably. As the conversation unfolded, I was thinking about what my colleague shared with me--my responsibility is to name issues (kindly), but it is up to the teacher to embrace it or not. I also remembered her sharing that the issue I name for the teacher did not belong me, but I had the ability to facilitate the thinking of the teacher, and help problem-solve the issue. What was fascinating to me, as I found myself in situations where the teacher was angry at me for naming the issue in the years that followed, was how I discovered myself  listening in ways I never listened before; I listened intently to the responses, identifying the conversational moves of the teacher I was coaching (when they were not so happy with my honesty). I noted some patterns in responses: excuses, blaming, jumping from one topic to another, questioning, challenging me: What would you do?  

As these things happened it became crystal clear how it was that people could have these conversations and do it calmly. When teachers became defensive, it was a bit like watching them twist themselves into a tightly wrung washcloth. They became so jumbled in their thoughts and emotional defenses kicked in, so I had to be the one to continue calmly asking questions, responding to what was said or being asked, and facilitating the thinking through the defensiveness. While it is certainly uncomfortable to have someone out of sorts, perhaps even yelling, and/or blaming you, you need to listen so carefully to what is being said, so you can ask another question, or respond well to what would you do? When listening that carefully, that the fears about the person not liking me seemed to disappear. It wasn’t about our relationship, and it certainly wasn’t about me. It was about students, and because they deserve the best possible teacher, I had to hold the courageous conversation. And as excuses, blame, questioning, and topic jumping were occurring, the most difficult thing (for me) was remembering the original question that was asked, so I could return to it. I’d jot down other things I wanted to say in response to things being said, but the hardest part was maintaining focus, not being honest in the kindest way possible, not controlling my emotions.

I like peace, sometimes it feels like a magnetic force. I crave peace so much that I am willing to walk away from people and situations that cause disruptions to my peaceful life. But...that is not my job, and although I want healthy relationships with the people whom I work with, I also have accepted the responsibility of my job that has to do with providing honest feedback. Even when peace will erupt…I just have to remember that if blowback comes, it’s not about me. As long as I am willing to be kind when these conversations must take place, I have to know I am doing what is right for kids, and I can help the teacher when they become ready to accept the feedback.