Coaching with Kindness Reflection via Free Verse Poetry

Lisa Weiss contributed this post. Click here to read more of Lisa's thinking.

I spent time rereading what I wrote this year, and in doing so, I started to play with phrases and lines that jumped out to me. This post is my expository writing from the year, reinvented as free verse poetry, using only the blog posts about coaching with kindness. There are many ways to go about this, but I pulled the six posts, highlighted the words and phrases that felt most powerful and/or carried importance, and then wrote them, in the order they occurred in the texts. But then, the organizational nut that lives in my head had to do some rearranging of the original words and phrases...great way to show students how expository writing can be repurposed into creative writing.

Honesty is the kindest move

Uncomfortable, but necessary

Navigating the uncomfortable territory

Providing honest feedback

with kindness

facilitates change

Commitment: Investing in the professional lives of teachers

Responsibility to provide feedback

given with integrity and kindness.

Feedback as an act of kindness

Courageous conversations

Brave conversations

Crucial conversations

Critical conversations

Uncomfortable conversations

What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

Name the issue

Gently,

Respectfully,

Kindly,

A philosophy of coaching with kindness

Two permeating questions

What is the expectation?

What did I see?

Just the facts!

Just the facts!

Just the facts!

I’d avoid these conversations altogether

But…

Our purpose far too great!

I owe it to students

I owe it to teachers

But…

provide it kindly.

Gently coach back into the tracks,

Partnering,

Putting teacher back in position to SHINE!

But...

Sometimes

Even truth covered in kindness

stings.

Up to the teacher to embrace it...or not

Issue does not belong to me

Listening intently

Identifying defense mechanisms:

Excuses

Blaming

Topic -hopping

Challenging: What would you do?

Calmly thinking

Pondering the next question, thinking through the conversational map

Facilitate thinking through the defensiveness

Maintaining focus

Fears disappear: It’s not about me!

It’s about students, advocating for them

Knowing they deserve the best possible teacher

Had to hold the courageous conversation

Craving peace and

healthy relationships

Knowing feedback to teachers is

Unavoidable for

Effective coaches,

Even when peace will erupt

Knowing I am doing what is right for kids

Knowing I am doing what is right for the teacher, and

Knowing I am doing what is right for me

Peace returns

Looking Inward

Lisa Weiss contributed this post. Click here to read more of Lisa's thinking.

Holding difficult conversations has positioned me to develop and recognize some insights about myself, so I thought I’d share some of the beliefs I have developed, and lessons learned as a result having tough conversations as they are needed.

Lesson One: I’m willing to have the courageous conversations because it’s about the kids; I’m primarily an advocate for our learners. I’ve noticed that as I prepare for difficult conversations, I am driven by the outcomes for students. If I do not speak up, what does that mean for these students? Next year’s students? Are we intentionally working students toward becoming independent and strategic readers, writers, listeners, critical viewers, thinkers, speakers? If not, I have to have the necessary conversations to reframe the instruction on behalf of our students.

Lesson Two: When I remain silent as a coach, I am “giving permission” for things to happen that 1) I do not believe in and/or 2) my district does not condone. I’ve learned that I’d rather have the uncomfortable conversations, knowing that I am having them for the sake of children, and promoting the values and missions of my district, rather than remaining silent and being robbed of my sleep when all of my personalities weigh in on how I am not doing what I know is right! There is cost involved when we ignore our convictions.

Lesson Three: In some sense this should be a no-brainer, but I have coached in situations where there was a lack of understanding regarding how aligned I was to the literacy vision, mission, and philosophy of the district. It is important for me to know that the teachers I work with have an understanding that I share the literacy vision, mission, and philosophy of the district. (I have also learned that when I am in a position where I do not align, I will need to leave. I’ve learned that my values are so critical, that I will not work in a situation where I have to disregard what I know is best for teachers and students.)

Having my staff know who and how I am, where I stand on literacy instruction, and what will serve our students best is crucial for me to feel as though I am doing my job, and staying true to my (research-based) beliefs about literacy instruction. I think, as a coach, that all my colleagues should know how I think (and gradually learn about the research that has me approach my values with such conviction). We may disagree, but I’d rather have both of us know exactly where we stand and how we think, so we can get to the urgent business of student learning. Being transparent about my beliefs and the research that backs me, is just as important as me knowing the beliefs and research that backs my teachers. Understanding and honesty are key in my coaching relationships.

Lesson Four: I can say what needs to be said, but I can say it in a kind way. I think about how’d I’d want my boss to approach me if she needed to have a difficult conversation with me. It’s my perpetual thinking that there is no reason for me not to be kind. I'm not going to reach my end result  if I am not careful with my words, and as we all know, I could damage my reputation as a coach quickly if I handle a situation poorly--word spreads fast. But on the flip side, word also spreads quickly when teachers respect you, and know that you genuinely care about them and their students. I don’t know about you, but that’s  the kind of gossip I’d like to be out and about in my building, especially when I know that I am having difficult with conversations along the way!

It’s interesting to look back and consider the lessons I’ve learned, to analyze the situations that developed the convictions I hold. I’m certain there are many more take-aways I could add to this list, but since my learning is ongoing, and I am now aware of this list, I can keep better track of my learning as I move forward...

What Would You do if You Weren't Afraid?

Lisa Weiss contributed this post. Click here to read more of Lisa's thinking.

I’ve been writing about difficult conversations over the past few months, and I wanted to do some thinking about a question (that I now consider to be a bit magical) that has influenced my ability to have critical conversations: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

About 10-15 years ago, when I was teaching middle school students, a few of my students were reading book called Who Moved my Cheese for Teens. I never read it, but recall having conversations with Jeremy about why he was reading it, and what was keeping him interested because it was not a book/student match I would have made; I was surprised he was reading it based on the content he shared with me. Imagine my surprise, years later, when a question from that text was shared in a coaching capacity…What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I ask that question of myself in my personal and professional life quite often, and have used it with coaches and teachers. I think it’s a revealing question, and a question that comes to mind as I’ve been writing about courageous conversations because it exposes my heart, my beliefs, my values...which positions my thinking when I need to hold kind, but critical conversations.

It’s a grounding question, one that I respond to quickly; it’s fascinating how quickly the answer comes. What I have come to learn about myself, by looking for patterns in my responses, is that I will  always do what I believe to be right for kids! I see myself as an advocate, which makes crucial conversations a bit easier, because I understand the importance the conversation holds for students.

What is even more interesting about the question is that it puts me in a position to consider all that I am worried about in each situation, revealing my true fears. They are typically people-related. I don’t want to ruin a relationship I value, I’m worried this person will get upset, I don’t want to add stress to this person’s life, etc. Sometimes my fears are not about relationships, but the point is that there is much to learn about yourself (and what you stand for as a coach) when you look for patterns in your gut reactions to the question, and spend some time reflecting on your fears.

This analysis solidifies what is important to you, and  what you are willing to do to protect what you value, or get to a desired state...

In the book, which I eventually skimmed through when I learned about this question, the authors claim that once you identify the action (what you would do if you were not afraid), happiness will come. I’ve considered that, and I think it is true to some extent...perhaps an ease comes because you know what you need to do, or really want to do, and then you begin to plan for that action. That planning and anticipating can still be stressful, but sometimes just making a decision and working through the next steps can bring about some sense of peace. It’s also sometimes stressful until the conversation takes place, but then, afterward, it has been my experience, no matter the outcome of the conversation, peace returns. I like to think the happiness is there because I have done what needed to be done, that I struggled through something difficult, advocating for students, and came out of it knowing more about myself, having grown as a coach, and had impact on a teacher who will make positive moves for students.

Try out the question, and experience what I am talking about. Think about a situation you are struggling with, and ask yourself the question: What would I do if I wasn’t afraid? Start writing your response, and see what you learn about yourself...

Coaching with Kindness when the Truth Stings and the Teacher Feels Stung

Lisa Weiss contributed today's thinking. Click here to access more of Lisa's thinking about coaching with kindness.

I suppose it is both fortunate and unfortunate that I have had some experiences where the coaches I needed to support were not in a place to accept feedback. In my last two posts, I wrote about providing feedback with honesty and kindness, and I focused on how that looked when someone asked for the feedback, and there was nothing but good to say, but last month I shared how one can give feedback when the truth, even covered in kindness, might sting. While thinking about that post, I knew I had another entry to write. I had to write about one last set of experiences I’ve had when working to coach coaches: coaching when the teacher is defensive about the feedback.

There are three specific situations I am thinking about where it was really difficult for me to enter into the necessary conversations that had to take place. I knew what questions I was going to ask, I knew what items had to be addressed, and I knew I’d have rather gained 20 pounds than to have any of those conversations! However, the students needed me to be a big girl, and ask what I needed to ask so we could name the issues, and start planning together. This, by the way, is the scary stuff I mentioned last month--when I watched my colleagues hold these brave conversations, my stomach hurt, and yet my mentors seemed cool, smoothly moving the conversation forward. I had no idea how they could be so bold when they honestly named issues or concerns, because as I visualized myself emulating their conversational moves, the deep desire to curl into a ball and disappear overcame me. My colleagues, however, appeared calm, detached from emotion, and focused.

Being naturally curious, and intrigued by how calmly my mentor facilitated ugly conversations, one day I finally asked my burning questions: How are you able to do that? Do you feel calm because you appear to be so, but when ugly things are said to you, or things you completely disagree with, how do you stay so controlled? Are you ever worried about ruining the relationship with the teacher?

What I learned from that colleague, was that it was my role to provide the honest feedback, and it was the role of the teacher to accept the feedback and responsibility for what needed to be done as a result of the conversation. She claimed that that simple truth is what positioned her to remain calm, even when teachers were not. I believed that to be her truth, but had absolutely no confidence that that knowledge had any way of making a difficult conversation easier...until I had to have one.

The occasion for a critical conversation arose a few years after learning about how my mentor approached them. It was a conversation where I had to say things I knew were honest, but not going to be responded to favorably. As the conversation unfolded, I was thinking about what my colleague shared with me--my responsibility is to name issues (kindly), but it is up to the teacher to embrace it or not. I also remembered her sharing that the issue I name for the teacher did not belong me, but I had the ability to facilitate the thinking of the teacher, and help problem-solve the issue. What was fascinating to me, as I found myself in situations where the teacher was angry at me for naming the issue in the years that followed, was how I discovered myself  listening in ways I never listened before; I listened intently to the responses, identifying the conversational moves of the teacher I was coaching (when they were not so happy with my honesty). I noted some patterns in responses: excuses, blaming, jumping from one topic to another, questioning, challenging me: What would you do?  

As these things happened it became crystal clear how it was that people could have these conversations and do it calmly. When teachers became defensive, it was a bit like watching them twist themselves into a tightly wrung washcloth. They became so jumbled in their thoughts and emotional defenses kicked in, so I had to be the one to continue calmly asking questions, responding to what was said or being asked, and facilitating the thinking through the defensiveness. While it is certainly uncomfortable to have someone out of sorts, perhaps even yelling, and/or blaming you, you need to listen so carefully to what is being said, so you can ask another question, or respond well to what would you do? When listening that carefully, that the fears about the person not liking me seemed to disappear. It wasn’t about our relationship, and it certainly wasn’t about me. It was about students, and because they deserve the best possible teacher, I had to hold the courageous conversation. And as excuses, blame, questioning, and topic jumping were occurring, the most difficult thing (for me) was remembering the original question that was asked, so I could return to it. I’d jot down other things I wanted to say in response to things being said, but the hardest part was maintaining focus, not being honest in the kindest way possible, not controlling my emotions.

I like peace, sometimes it feels like a magnetic force. I crave peace so much that I am willing to walk away from people and situations that cause disruptions to my peaceful life. But...that is not my job, and although I want healthy relationships with the people whom I work with, I also have accepted the responsibility of my job that has to do with providing honest feedback. Even when peace will erupt…I just have to remember that if blowback comes, it’s not about me. As long as I am willing to be kind when these conversations must take place, I have to know I am doing what is right for kids, and I can help the teacher when they become ready to accept the feedback.

Coaching with Kindness when the Truth Might Sting

Lisa Weiss contributed today's post. Click here for Lisa's previous post about coaching with kindness. Click here for all of Lisa's posts.

Last month, as I was writing my specific example about the literacy coach who asked me if I had any suggestions for how she might improve her instruction, a little voice in my head was saying: It’s easy to coach from a place of kindness when you are working with a reflective teacher who seeks honest feedback...

I get that, and although that wasn’t the point of the last blog, it brings up important thinking about honest feedback as an act of kindness, when courageous conversations become necessary. I’ve been lucky enough to have a smattering of colleagues in my life who I consider masters of brave conversations. Because of my professional relationships with these leaders, I’ve witnessed some of these crucial conversations. I share this fact because, even though I have read numerous texts on how to have critical conversations, I was not prepared to have them; it was through watching my colleagues, and being able to ask them questions (about things they did that terrified me) that set me up to use what I knew about facilitating uncomfortable conversations. Through watching these two women, I began to visualize myself emulating  those same sorts of conversations when the time came.

I have had the opportunity to provide feedback to coaches who were not meeting the standards for coaching, and/or for providing intervention to students. What I learned from each of those situations is that, even when I heard or saw things that befuddled me, I had the ability to provide honest feedback with kindness. There were two permeating questions when I saw or heard things I knew I’d need to address:

1) What is the standard or expectation?  

2) What exactly did I see and/or hear? Just the facts.

When there are clear standards set, as we have for our intervention courses, giving difficult feedback becomes much easier. I can talk from what I expected to see versus what I actually saw. I’m thinking about a teacher who I once observed teaching an intervention course. This teacher reported that she planned for the Comprehension Focus Group using a GANAG format for daily lesson planning. As I observed the lesson, I filled in a self-made GANAG, writing what I witnessed, so during the debrief I could talk through the lesson in the format this coach knew well.

Full disclosure: I had difficulty filling in the GANAG for a variety of reasons. The goal was unclear, because there were five shared at different times through the lesson. The directions for each task were unclear, and there wasn’t any scaffolding as students attempted to work. As I considered my words to this teacher in our debrief, I thought my most effective move was to ask her to take a moment and GANAG the lesson she just taught. My purpose in doing that was to have her think through what she just did (what I witnessed), and then compare our GANAGs.

It was fascinating, and yet, not difficult to hold this conversation. It was easy to have her tell me about her goal, and then show her that I had five goals recorded; additionally I could share that all five seemed to be of equal importance so I felt confused when it came time for students to independently apply their learning. We talked about each goal I heard her share. We talked about how that impacted students when they were given time to apply the lesson. We talked about what the goal for tomorrow would be based on what happened today. I was the one who had to name the problems when our GANAGs were a mismatch, but because we both knew the expectations of a GANAG’d CFG lesson, we were able to address the problem areas, so I could coach her through the planning for the following day.

If given the choice, I’d avoid these types of conversations altogether, but our purpose is far too great. I owe it to the students, and to this teacher to provide the honest feedback--to provide it kindly, and to gently coach back into the tracks by focusing on the expectations of the lesson, what happened today, and what needs to happen tomorrow and beyond. I think kindness shines in this uncomfortable interaction through the coaching that happens on the spot to plan for the next day, and through the coaching that occurs to keep the teacher on track in the future weeks/months. A coach who only gives the honest feedback is different from the coach who invests the time to stick with the teacher to support her attempts to refocus her lessons.  If I am willing to give the honest feedback, the kindest move I can play afterward is partnering with the teacher, investing time to build efficacy, to put her back in a position to shine.

I will admit that this was a best case scenario; this is what happens when the teacher recognizes the mismatches in expectations, and chooses to look at herself honestly, and is willing to take the feedback. Next month I will write about what I’ve learned from the other side of courageous conversations--what has happened when the teacher gets defensive, is not willing to acknowledge mismatches in expectations, and has justification for all actions and thinking.

Coaching with Kindness

Lisa Weiss contributed today's thinking.

I have a friend who has this outlook on kindness: the kindest thing you can do is be honest. When a friend has remnants of salad stuck between her teeth, the kindest thing I can do is tell her. When my colleague’s fly has taken a trip south, the kindest thing I can do is tell him. It might not feel comfortable, but it is, without a doubt, my kindest move.

I’ve been included in conversations recently where coaches are reporting that it is not their job to give feedback to teachers. This, by the way, is a very different perspective than the district holds, but  my sense is that these coaches are navigating the uncomfortable territory of evaluating versus providing feedback. Being a coach at heart, and fully understanding that feedback is a critical component of my work in order to facilitate change, I’ve found myself sharing my own stories that highlight the fact that providing feedback is unavoidable in the life of an effective coach. As I’ve shared my own stories, a pattern emerged, a pattern that had me thinking about my friend Anne, and her outlook on kindness.

Perhaps the kindest approach to coaching is making the commitment to provide honest feedback, and to share that feedback in the kindest way possible. This is the kindest move I have for impacting students (being honest with the teacher in a way that further develops the coaching relationship while building capacity), and this is the kindest move I have for investing into the professional life of the teacher (being honest, and saying what needs to be said in a way that we can work to problem-solve together).

I have a few new literacy coaches I am working with this year, and I’ve been out and about observing them teaching their intervention courses. Just yesterday, when a new coach and I were debriefing the lesson I witnessed, I started by naming all the specific ways this coach exemplified thoughtful, intentional teaching as she supported her students through the learning. Like any conversation, she talked about her successes and identified some challenges, and as the conversation came to an end, the coach asked, “Did you see things I did wrong, or that I should do differently?”  I was, because of how she interacts with students and purposefully plans for them, quite naturally positioned to be positive and encouraging in our debrief. The conversation was natural and easy, but her question made me remember that we are new to each other. She had no way of knowing that it is not possible for me to swallow an issue if one exists; I believe the kindest thing I can do for students and for teachers is to name the issue...gently, respectfully, kindly. So I told her that. Exactly that. I’m so glad you asked me that question, because you would have no way of knowing this, but I can promise you two things. 1) I can be counted on to be honest in my feedback, and 2) I can be counted on to provide that feedback as kindly as possible. It was easy to share that because that is who and how I am; I’m not going to have to work very hard to keep that promise. 

However, blatantly stating this made me wonder if sharing this--a philosophy of coaching with kindness--at the beginning of a coaching cycle would set teachers up to expect honest feedback, and set coaches up for providing the feedback that needs to be given. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. What outcomes could we expect if we, as coaches, named the fact that it is our responsibility to provide honest and kind feedback, so that it was an expectation in every coaching partnership? It puts the coach in an accountability position to the teacher to provide that feedback, and to do it with kindness. It puts the teacher in a space to know that feedback will be given, and given with integrity and kindness...seems like a great way to begin and foster a professional relationship!

What do you think?