What Would You do if You Weren't Afraid?

Lisa Weiss contributed this post. Click here to read more of Lisa's thinking.

I’ve been writing about difficult conversations over the past few months, and I wanted to do some thinking about a question (that I now consider to be a bit magical) that has influenced my ability to have critical conversations: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

About 10-15 years ago, when I was teaching middle school students, a few of my students were reading book called Who Moved my Cheese for Teens. I never read it, but recall having conversations with Jeremy about why he was reading it, and what was keeping him interested because it was not a book/student match I would have made; I was surprised he was reading it based on the content he shared with me. Imagine my surprise, years later, when a question from that text was shared in a coaching capacity…What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I ask that question of myself in my personal and professional life quite often, and have used it with coaches and teachers. I think it’s a revealing question, and a question that comes to mind as I’ve been writing about courageous conversations because it exposes my heart, my beliefs, my values...which positions my thinking when I need to hold kind, but critical conversations.

It’s a grounding question, one that I respond to quickly; it’s fascinating how quickly the answer comes. What I have come to learn about myself, by looking for patterns in my responses, is that I will  always do what I believe to be right for kids! I see myself as an advocate, which makes crucial conversations a bit easier, because I understand the importance the conversation holds for students.

What is even more interesting about the question is that it puts me in a position to consider all that I am worried about in each situation, revealing my true fears. They are typically people-related. I don’t want to ruin a relationship I value, I’m worried this person will get upset, I don’t want to add stress to this person’s life, etc. Sometimes my fears are not about relationships, but the point is that there is much to learn about yourself (and what you stand for as a coach) when you look for patterns in your gut reactions to the question, and spend some time reflecting on your fears.

This analysis solidifies what is important to you, and  what you are willing to do to protect what you value, or get to a desired state...

In the book, which I eventually skimmed through when I learned about this question, the authors claim that once you identify the action (what you would do if you were not afraid), happiness will come. I’ve considered that, and I think it is true to some extent...perhaps an ease comes because you know what you need to do, or really want to do, and then you begin to plan for that action. That planning and anticipating can still be stressful, but sometimes just making a decision and working through the next steps can bring about some sense of peace. It’s also sometimes stressful until the conversation takes place, but then, afterward, it has been my experience, no matter the outcome of the conversation, peace returns. I like to think the happiness is there because I have done what needed to be done, that I struggled through something difficult, advocating for students, and came out of it knowing more about myself, having grown as a coach, and had impact on a teacher who will make positive moves for students.

Try out the question, and experience what I am talking about. Think about a situation you are struggling with, and ask yourself the question: What would I do if I wasn’t afraid? Start writing your response, and see what you learn about yourself...