The Journey to Acceptance

Meghan Retallick contributed this post. Click here for more of Meghan's thinking.

One of the biggest ideas I’ve embraced since becoming a coach is to work hard and be reflective about truly meeting people where they are at.  I feel that I had a strength in this as a classroom teacher with my students, motivating many that told me they never cared about ELA before my class.  So you’d think because I developed this skill over the course of my seven years in the classroom, I could easily transfer it to working with adults, right?  WRONG.  This, I’ve found, is one of those things that is easier said than done.  And, I’ve found that I’ve had to move through my own stages to truly accept people as they are, without bias and judgement to believe that they are “creative, resourceful, and whole” (as Barb and Laura Gleisner remind us often!).

So, what are these stages?  Well, after reading a really funny post a few months ago about “The Five Stages of Grading” (as opposed to The Five Stages of Grief developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) while I was laughing and remembering my days as an ELA teacher with seemingly insurmountable piles of essays, I realized that these stages are also stages I’ve found myself in throughout the year in regards to my role and the feelings I had when dealing with resistance.

Do any of these thoughts or scenarios sound familiar?

A teacher, group of teachers, or administrator resists your role and work in their building…

Stage 1 - Denial

• “I know teachers are extremely busy.  I’m sure ________ feels overwhelmed and that they don’t have time to work with me.”
• “Wow, the room sure seemed to get quiet when I walked in...I’m sure it was just a lull in the conversation.”
• “I sent that email five days ago...maybe it got lost in spam.”
• “I left that voice message five days ago...maybe the phones aren’t working.”
• “Oh, there was a grade level team meeting focused on literacy this morning?  Maybe I was inadvertently left off the invite?”
• Denial can also manifest as avoidance, so the coach finds valid reasons as to why it isn’t the right time collaborate with the resisters.

Now, all of these thoughts could be rooted in truth as we always want to assume positive intentions by others.  But, as I’ve reflected on the denial stage, I’ve also found that sometimes I was avoiding or ignoring resistance.  And if we ever want to move past resistance, we have to get out of the denial stage and acknowledge that resistance is there.

Stage 2 - Anger

• “Why don’t these teachers want to work with me?!  I’ve shared my role with the administrator, staff, grade levels, individuals, students, etc., many times!!”
• “I know teachers work extremely hard, but I work extremely hard as well!!  Why don’t they realize that?!  I work in multiple buildings, oversee multiple initiatives, work with students and teachers, …” and so on and so on the list goes on in my head about all the things I do that teachers don’t.
• “_________ ignored my email/phone call!!  Who do they think they are?!  Who does that?!”
• “I wish I could just go into that grade level team meeting and when they all stare at me in silence say what I’m really thinking…(and not necessarily with kindness)...”
• “Those teachers don’t even know anything about the standards!!  Have they been living under a rock the last five years?!!”
• “Did ___________ just really say that about that student?!   Do they even like kids?!”

As I wrote these and re-read them, I’m embarrassed that these thoughts crossed my mind.  They sound whiny in this context and like I’m stuck in a victim-mentality.  Yet, as one really smart school psychologist told me, a lot of good and future action can come out of the anger stage if we harness these emotions appropriately by processing them and the root of where they come from in a healthy way.  

Stage 3 - Bargaining

• “If only the building principal had a background in literacy, then my role would be clearer to staff.”
• “If only I hadn’t framed the conversation at that meeting in that way, maybe the team would buy in more.”
• “What if my role could be clarified one more time at one more staff meeting...would that change things for those who are resisting?”
• “If only I had responded to that person more quickly last time they contacted me, maybe they wouldn’t ignore my emails/phone calls now.”
• “What if I hadn’t started in my role doing _________ (fill in the blank), then maybe teachers wouldn’t expect that practice now when the role is changing to meet our new needs.”
• “Maybe if I give that resister more space, they’ll come around.”

I struggled to think about my own situation a bit with this one, but the explanation of this stage from Grief.com helped me put it into perspective.  In this stage, “We become lost in a maze of ‘If only…’ or ‘What if…’ statements” and “guilt is often bargaining’s companion.  The ‘if onlys’ cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we ‘think’ we could have done differently.  We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out.”  I do find myself in mental phases where I beat myself up for not doing enough.  I put all the blame for the resistance on myself and my own actions.

Stage 4 - Depression

• “Does this role even make a difference for teachers?”
• “What is my role?  If I don’t even know, then how can a teacher understand it?”
• “Would I be more effective back in the classroom?”
• “Maybe my knowledge base isn’t helpful for staff and their current practices are more effective.”
• “What is the point of going to that meeting?  Nothing will change.”
• “It doesn’t matter what kind of relationships I have with people.  They will never change their practices to support students.”
• “We’re never going to get there.  Where is there anyway?”

This was the hardest stage for me when working through the challenges of meeting resistance.  I am an incredibly positive and happy person (in fact, positivity is my #4 strength on the StrengthsFinder assessment!), so to go through a period of time where I existed everyday with a cynical and negative outlook took its toll.  I definitely needed my emotional resilience strategies to work through these feelings and keep up healthy behaviors in the midst of my overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.  Luckily, I made the connection between The Stages of Grief and what I was feeling when I was in this stage, so I knew that acceptance was just around the corner.  That gave me hope and a renewed sense of purpose that inspired more productive reflection.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

I can’t write the thoughts I experienced with acceptance because they came to me more in a feeling format, and in wave where I all of a sudden felt like I was ready to meet the resistance again.  I realized that the resistance comes from a place that is not personally directed at me, and really truly felt and believed that instead of just repeating it over and over again in my head.  I could talk to the resisters again in a positive, healthy way, as well as celebrate the small steps they made.  I accepted that with some people and situations, movement forward will mean two steps forward and three steps back, but when you look at that movement across time they are slowly prodding their way to a new place.  I began to innovate in new ways and form new connections in my role, reorganizing with initiatives or groups that were ready that I hadn’t considered before.  And, when I look back this new way of utilizing my role feels better than what I was trying to do before.  As Grief.com states so beautifully, I noticed that instead of denying my feelings, I began to consider and listen to my own needs.  How can I move, change, grow, and evolve, thus impacting the positive, healthy relationships and practices that have been established and accepted?  And really, I realized that resistance is not a bad thing and it is not as pervasive as I thought it was or that it felt originally.  The resistance challenged me to learn new things about my own beliefs around literacy and learning, our system, and what is best for our students.  It reaffirmed my commitment to ensure that learning is happening for all of our students.

Is everyday perfect since I’ve finally gotten to the acceptance stage?  No.  As Grief.com states, “People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months.  They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another.  We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion.  We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.”  But, since I have gotten to acceptance once, I find that if I flip back into the anger stage, I can process the feelings and move back into acceptance in a much quicker and healthier fashion.  I can keep the perspective that I received from moving through all the stages in a prior situation.  In fact, just today, I witnessed a situation that made me incredibly angry, but after thinking through it for 20 minutes with another trusted colleague, I accepted it as it was and had a plan about how to respond in a healthy way.  I think this is what it means to truly meet people where they are at.  It does not mean that we always live in a state of zen accepting all and letting things roll immediately off our backs.  But instead, when we find ourselves frustrated with resistance, we can still keep sight of the big picture and the progress we have made.  We know that this too shall pass and that through trust, collaboration, and transparency we’ll work through the barriers.

It has taken me two years to get here.  I hope it goes quicker for you!  But, although it has been a challenging journey, I wouldn’t change a thing because it has made me a better coach, a better peer, and a better overall human being.  Best wishes for the summer and may you find some time quiet time to rejuvenate and reflect on your own journey.