A Book Review: Having Hard Conversations

Andrea Reichenberger contributed today's post.

Earlier this month we posted what we were reading and I shared that I was reading:

Having Hard Conversations

Jennifer Abrams. (2009).

Thousand Oaks, California: Corwin.

No matter how many coaching workshops I attend or how many books I read, one skill I believe I have never gotten enough practice with is having those hard conversations.  The opportunities to have them are in abundance, but I often avoid them for fear that I might not handle them appropriately.  I’m sure all coaches would agree that It is difficult to have conversations with our peers whom we work with about their behaviors. However, as I begin to read this book, a quote on page 6 captivated me:  “We can suffocate under the status quo, and our students will not get the education they deserve because we are not courageous enough to speak up and ask each other how to be our best selves. To be more authentic and more truthful in schools every day will allow us not only to survive, but to thrive.” This is important as I reflect on behaviors that I see my colleagues display. I want to ask, is this the best you can do?  And if so, what are you modeling for our students? By not speaking out, it might look to an outsider as if we condone the other person’s behavior and make it possible for him or her to believe that the behavior is OK.

When addressing another argument I often use against myself:  I have no authority, so who am I to address certain behaviors and situations? I took special note when the author quoted Marianne Williamson on page 18.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

The book has a simple lay out and at 99 pages in length (less the resources) is a fairly quick read.  Abrams begins by emphasizing  the need for having hard conversations and then addresses all of the reasons why we hesitate to have them. With each excuse she offers a thoughtful question for reflection that  For example, one excuse I often use myself is that I’m “Waiting for the Perfect Moment.”  The authors suggests to not over-think (which I often do), develop a time limit for planning the conversation as well as creating a deadline for conducting it.  She asks the poignant question, “...do we have the luxury of waiting until next year to focus on an instructional weakness that is not serving students?” (p.15). The answer is, no, we don’t.  

Additional questions that guide the rest of the chapters include asking what is the real problem?, finding the professional language to name it, and making a plan that includes scripting your initial comments.  She also includes a chapter about other important elements to consider when having the hard conversations as well as several resources including an extended list of professional teacher behaviors, school savvy etiquette, and sample scripts. This book helps guide the reader through conversations with teachers as a colleague, a coach, a supervisor, or an administrator. In addition to your collection of coaching titles by Jim Knight, Cathy Toll, and Diane Sweeney, I highly recommend adding Having Hard Conversations by Ms. Abrams.